Gay Corporations Press Lawmakers For Equal Rights

Dateline - Everytown, USA

Since the Supreme Court ruling affirming "personhood" to corporations in their recent decision protecting political donations as a form of free speech as defined in the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lawmakers and media outlets have seen a deluge of attention by Corporation-People demanding equality in all the rights bestowed upon the human citizenry.

Most recently, lawmakers in at least 32 states have received numerous requests demanding that Gay Corporations be allowed to Merge and have the same rights thereof as Straight Corporations.

Speaking under a shroud of anonymity, one Gay Corporation released this statement:

"Inasmuch as straight corporations are allowed to merge publicly and with the blessing of the SEC and federal recognition, it behooves us as Corporate People to press for equality across Corporation-kind. No longer should we feel the need to hide in the shadows or lie about our sexual orientation because as Gay Corporations, we are STILL 'people' under the protection of all the rights bestowed on us by the Constitution. If we make money, do you not tax us? If we hemorrhage cash, do we not downsize? We are the brothers and sisters of the straight corporation, not some freak or pervert to be shunned by the very government that defined our personhood, that we pay our taxes to protect us! It was difficult enough for many of us in the Gay Corporation community to come out to our parent companies, and we strongly feel and urge lawmakers to consider our rights just as inalienable as the Straight Corporation's."

Despite considerable objections to legalizing Gay Corporate Mergers by the likes of Kansas based "Fred Phelps, Inc" who went on record saying "Those f---- companies will burn in bankruptcy court for their heathen ways", the press for equal rights in the Gay Corporate community has drawn a considerable list of powerful supporters across the nation and abroad. France based airline manufacturer, Airbus SAS (the world'd largest suspected Gay Corporation - they have not come out, but suspicions abound in the Corporate Blogosphere) has supported the Gay Corporate position in the United States by saying "There have been many Straight Corporate Mergers that have resulted in a worse overall economic disasters. When Houston Gas and Northern Natural Gas Merged to become Enron, well, I think we all know the end result of that mess. We still have former Enron employees living in France who could not afford to fly home after the crash of that organization. Wait, we don't officially use the word 'crash' at our company. It's against policy."

Attorney Corporation Dewey Takem and Howe LLC, representing the ACCLU (American Corporate Civil Liberty Union) has filed several class action lawsuits on behalf of a large number of Gay Corporations against the 22 U.S. States who have amended their constitutions to state that a "Merger is Defined as a Union or Buyout of two opposite gendered organizations, and that no relationship outside this definition shall be granted substantially similar rights." ACCLU spokesman, former ACORN Tax Adviser I. Getmore Handowts, has been making a cross-country trek along with the traveling grassroots political movement known as the "COFFEE Party (Corporate Obligations For Fast Equality Everywhere)" and has made several stump speeches at the cafeterias of Gay or "Probably Gay" corporations through Butts County, Georgia, where resistance to the Gay Corporate movement has been harsh. Most residents in that county were a bit put off, however, by the hecklers at these speeches who kept shouting out "You have a purty PR Department" (obviously mocking Oscar winning movie "Bailout Deliverance" from the 70's).

"I don't care if a company is gay" said one unnamed resident, "but can't they be gay on a smaller stock market instead of where everyone can see them like when they're traded on the Dow Jones or Nasdaq? I mean, the S&P 500 would be fine, nobody looks there anyways..."

The issue has caught the attention of Foreign Dignitaries as well, including the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran who went on record as saying that Iran "doesn't have that problem [Gay Corporations]" within it's borders.

Barbados based Mount Gay Rum, LLC responded to all media inquiries with "No Comment" and then was reported to have gone straight back to flirting with Bahamas based Bacardi in hopes of a takeover.

It is unclear whether any major political party will take a hard stand in the 2010 Congressional Elections or the 2012 Presidential Elections on this issue, despite having poll numbers that are nearly identical to party relationship. GOP Spokesman and potential 2012 Presidential Candidate Hardy Woodcock stated that "if they come to the table with enough contribution money, I'll listen to them, I don't care if they get off on Preferred Shares or Split Stock!" Meanwhile, the DNC issued a collective statement saying "We HOPE we can CHANGE the public's acceptance of Gay Corporations, we thought we had succeeded here in the past, but perhaps we may need to explain it better to the American people. HOPE AND CHANGE!" When asked a follow up question, the DNC let out a guttural scream reminiscent of Howard Dean's speeches and, according to his wife and nine out of ten mistresses, sexual climax.

In other Business-Person news, federal lawmakers are working out a bill that will ban the deletion of intellectual property of a corporation that is still in development, but beyond two-thirds completion toward applying for a patent. Proponents of the so called "Late-Term-Cancellation" bill call a cancellation at such a late stage of a property's development "cruel and in-corporate-mane" while opponents are holding firm to the mandate that a clause be included that such actions would be allowed in the case where a CEO would need to "protect the health of the general ledger."

Finally, the IRS has reported that it is auditing Time Warner for allegedly listing AOL as a "dependent" on it's income taxes since their merger several years ago. Time Warner attorney Max P. A. Yout defended Time Warner's actions, stating that although his client does not dispute the charges, since the merger "it's like having a stay at home spouse or a small child or a live-in college kid to Time Warner. They are there, they are legally bound to my client, but they sure aint bringing in any income. As corporate "people" that sounds to me like a dependent under the tax code."